Kristin Neff’s Self-Compassion Break: Three Simple Steps for a Hard Moment

When something goes wrong, a lot of us talk to ourselves in a way we would never talk to a friend. Kindness toward yourself is a theme I come back to often here, so I wanted to share one of the simplest practices I know for it: the Self-Compassion Break, from Dr. Kristin Neff’s website, Self-Compassion.org. This self-compassion break exercise is short, it needs nothing but a few words and your own hands, and you can use it at any hour.

If a hard moment tends to turn into a long round of criticizing yourself, this one is for you.

What the Article Covers

Dr. Kristin Neff is a researcher and teacher of self-compassion and a co-founder of the Center for Mindful Self-Compassion. The Self-Compassion Break is one of a set of written exercises on her website, and the whole page takes only a minute or two to read.

It begins by asking you to bring to mind a situation in your life that is hard right now and causing you stress. Instead of pushing the feeling away, you let yourself notice the stress and discomfort in your body. Then you speak to yourself in three short steps.

The first step is to name that you are suffering in this moment. Neff calls this mindfulness: you are simply recognizing what is happening. If her wording does not suit you, she offers plainer options that just name the hurt or the stress.

The second step is to remind yourself that struggle is part of every human life. This is common humanity, the understanding that you are not the only one going through something hard. Her alternatives include reminding yourself that other people feel this way too, and that you are not alone.

Before the third step, you place your hands over your heart and feel their warmth and gentle pressure, or use another soothing touch that feels right to you. Then you wish yourself kindness. Neff suggests a question to guide this step: “What do I need to hear right now to express kindness to myself?” She lists other kind wishes you might choose, such as asking for patience, strength, forgiveness, or the ability to accept yourself as you are.

The page closes by noting that you can use this practice at any time of day or night, and that it helps you remember all three parts of self-compassion when you need them most.

Why This Practice Is Worth Learning

What I like most about the Self-Compassion Break is how small it is. You do not need a quiet room or twenty free minutes. That makes it easy to reach for in the middle of an ordinary day, which is often when you need it.

The second step is the one I think many of us skip. When something goes wrong, it is easy to feel like the only person who ever made that mistake. Reminding yourself that everyone struggles does not make the problem smaller, but it can ease the loneliness that often comes with it.

Kindness toward myself shows up in small ways in my own life. I keep a gratitude journal. I meditate. I say no when I need to protect my own well-being, and since menopause I need more quiet time alone than I used to. None of these are dramatic, and that is the point. Self-compassion grows from small choices, repeated. If you would like more ideas, our list of seven self-compassion practices is a good next step.

How to Try It the First Time

Start with something small, not the hardest thing in your life. A mild frustration from today is enough. Read through the three steps once, then close your eyes and try them. If the words feel awkward, change them. If your hands on your heart feel strange, try a hand on your arm or your cheek. The goal is not to feel better right away. It is to meet a hard moment with some warmth instead of criticism.

Read the Full Article

You can read the full exercise on Dr. Neff’s website: Exercise 2: Self-Compassion Break. It is short enough to read in a minute and simple enough to remember the next time a hard moment comes. Try it once this week, and be patient with yourself while you learn it.

Sources

• Exercise 2: Self-Compassion Break, Dr. Kristin Neff, Self-Compassion.org.